Great Changes For These Single Parents...

This is what we see in the evenings now that we've moved the clan from our upstate NY urban setting to the wilds of the Chihuahuan Desert. Just over 45 acres of land for monthly payment less than half of the monthly mortgage we were paying in the cold, cold northeast. We, naturally, have no heating bill here. In fact, we were wearing tank tops in February and sporting lovely tans.

Our cost of living is significantly lower here and will continue to drop as we become more and more self-sufficient. Wind and solar power and food growing are top priorities for us here.

Right now, we make due with a gas powered generator. It's sufficient for our needs, keeps the coffee pot brewing and the Internet and computers up and running. It is, however, temporary. In a couple weeks we'll be running the satellite Internet modem with a solar panel, and charging laptop batteries with the generator. Then we'll progress, investing more -- as we make it -- into alternative energy, reducing what we spend on gas.

Growing as much as possible of our produce will reduce our food bill and our fuel bill, as produce is typically what motivates the 160-mile round trip to the supermarket. Stocking up on staples -- flour, rice, beans, cooking oil, etc. -- can be done less periodically. Unless of course, the food rationing popping up here and there interferes with that.

Reducing expenses is a wonderful thing for the single parent, as that means less time has to be spent working and more time can be spent enjoying the children. This move has been and continues to be a fine adventure and a wonderful experience. Not only do we love life here, but also it's a smart financial move that offers numerous benefits to the family.

Money, Money. Money… I Am Working Towards Following…

…my own good advice, ha ha ha.

Having said all that I have about the child support matter and the financial stress that I know is a part of the whole single parenting experience for most people, I wanted to write a bit about money today. In my experience, it really is possible to make it, without having to resort to the State (other than, perhaps, temporary assistance while reorganizing life to accommodate single parenting), either for their programs designed to enslave or to enlist them in the effort to collect child support money from a biological contributor unwilling to help.

In an earlier post, I mentioned the Internet as being the primary reason that I am able to do what I do – be both a single parent and an at-home, homeschooling mother. While there are many scams to be found on the Internet, there is also an incredible amount of opportunity.

Content writing – though, granted, it is not the exciting and glamorous vision that many have in their heads when thinking of a writing career – is a great way to pay the bills. I may not be all that excited about what I am writing, but when I see that money hit my Paypal account and know that I am going to have food, diapers and lights for my kids… well, I do get pretty excited.

Some in the writing professions do look down on content writing as not being ‘real’ writing… whatever that is. I did, too, at first, to be quite honest. In fact, I never used to admit to doing it, if I didn’t have to. Then I realized that, in order to do it well, it does take creativity and skill. I wouldn’t say talent, in the same way talent is necessary to create a great work of literature, but definitely skill.

And, that’s good, because the average person can learn the right skill sets to be successful at content writing. That means that the average person, the average single parent, can learn to write content well enough to significantly supplement income and even turn it into a full-time at home job.

Writing content is also a great way to develop the sort of writing skills that will take you further into a writing career. I always knew that some day I would write, though I got sidetracked along the way by life. In my mind, however, I figured that when things slowed down and I had the time… then, I'd write.

It was being the single parent of babies and the thought of having to send them out to daycare that made me quickly get serious about writing, despite my life not slowing down much. I sold my first article for $10 and used that money for diapers. And, I’ve been writing seriously ever since.

Multiple streams of income are a great way to prevent having all the eggs in one basket. There are many things that can be done that won’t add too much to an already jam-packed day, even if you don't write.

For example, selling Avon is actually pretty good. It almost sells itself, and if something happens to the primary flow of income, you can immediately start being more aggressive in your selling and bump up that income to carry you through until the primary income flow is restored. It should be noted that many people make full-time income selling Avon, and it has been voted among the very best companies for women numerous times.

Whatever the source of the income, financial planning is essential, especially to a single parent who may have nobody but herself to rely on. It can be really hard to do, but saving is so important. Then, a sudden expensive prescription with no health insurance, or other out of the blue sort of situation doesn’t have to be more of a problem than it already is.

Developing the self-discipline required to live with your means and not take on any debt that isn’t absolutely necessary is an essential part of successful financial planning. A good goal is to get three months worth of living expenses set aside, and when that is achieved, try for three more, so that there’s a six month just-in-case cushion.

Once the immediate financial situation is stabilized and an emergency fund is in place, the next things to think about are whether or not you want to buy a house, college money for the children, and retirement planning. Once you start meeting your financial goals, you’ll be surprised at just how much you really can accomplish.

Single parenting doesn’t have to mean poverty – which is different from voluntary simplicity or deliberately simple living -- nor does it automatically mean that you have to sacrifice being with your children, giving up having the time to raise them and enjoy them, because you’ve got to earn the money to feed, clothe, and house them. There are other options and, with research, creativity and effort, you can change your life.

When I Read Stuff Like...

...this, it makes me feel so very grateful that I've been so fortunate. The right people at the right time. My sister. My oldest's father. That splash of urban from growing up poor that ensures my ability to hustle when need be (will read tarot cards in the street for diapers, ha ha ha, see below -- I have!)... I do live a charmed life.

I Happened To See This Request...

... for advice on the support matter on one of those tips sites. After 11 years of paying support, the father stops when the woman asks for a cost of living increase and makes an attempt to deny paternity, right around the time that he gets married to someone else. Of course, she is advised to take him to court to prove paternity and get the child support.

Money is a constant source of stress, even anxiety, for the single parent. I know, because I do live on the edge... keeping the utilities on is a constant struggle. Keeping fresh fruits and vegetables and quality whole foods in the house, the rent paid, etc., a battle. In fact, if my landlord weren't my sister and thus inclined to be a bit flexible, I'd probably have been in the street... had a very rough patch during my last pregnancy -- bedrest, placental abruption, emergency c-section, premature birth... It was crazy to say the least, as that is just part of the story.

So when I say I eschew court collected and enforced support, it's not because I am independently wealthy and don't need the money. Far from it. I guess, on a personal level -- as opposed to the broader aspect of the State's encroachment on personal lives -- it's a matter of pride. I'd rather hustle my ass off than go begging to a man who doesn't care about us anyway.

The Internet has opened up a world of opportunity. Without the Internet making it so easy to work at home, I'd have to struggle a lot harder... like I did before I got my writing built up enough to provide enough income. I did anything I could do with babies in tow. I delivered newspapers and phone books. I took care of the elderly. I sold Avon. I did tarot card readings over the phone, working for that company that Miss Cleo was the face for. I did tarot card readings in the street. I did tarot card readings in trade for diapers.

And, when I look at the big picture, when I look at what I want my girls to learn about life... I don't want them to go on their knees begging. I want them to stand up proud and strong -- head up, shoulders back, eyes forward -- and have the strength and drive to say f--- that m-----f----- and handle business, for themselves and their children.

It really is possible to make it as a single parent without having to subject yourself and your child to the myriad of humiliations involved in dragging some man who doesn't really care about you or your child into court.

Why I Don’t Pursue Support

As I mentioned in my welcome, as a single parent, I receive no support – financial or otherwise – from the two fathers of my three younger children. I’m cool with that.

As far as the money thing goes, and I’m sure this will sound a bit radical to some, but the bottom-line choice of whether these children were born was mine. The father of my youngest – who to me is a welcome surprise, a true blessing, but to her accidental biological contributor was “a tragedy” – reminded me that abortion is a choice. He would have preferred that I murdered her.

She was an accident. If the choice were his to make, she would never have been born. Fortunately, the choice was mine, and I have a beautiful 9-month-old baby girl, when I fully (and sadly) thought that my baby days were over. I want her. I wanted her from the very moment I saw the positive result on my home pregnancy test. I am thrilled to have her.

I really just don’t think it is fair to force him to pay child support when he never wanted the child.

As for the other father, we separated due to domestic violence. Paying support would make him think he is entitled to visitation. I refuse to turn my children over to someone I know lacks the self-control to keep his mouth or hands in check and someone who is little more than a complete stranger to my children. They were babies when we went our separate ways. Giving up the little bit of child support that he would be ordered by the court to pay is, to me, a small price to be rid of him.

However, there is another reason. I do not believe that the State has any place in my personal life or that of my family. And, the Constitution agrees with me. To go to the court and demand that they resolve such matters opens the door for all sorts of further intervention. I don’t need a court to tell me who these children belong with -- these little people who began their lives within me and are nourished at my breast for years after birth -- and I reject resoundingly and wholeheartedly the concept that the State has the right to assign custody. These are my children; they came into this world through my body. I chose to have them.

And, when I chose to have them, I chose to be responsible for them, financially and otherwise. And, really… my children are my greatest joy. I am grateful to have them. Already, these men – regardless of their quality as human beings – have given me something precious. Why demand more from them, why ask for things they don’t want to give? That which is begrudgingly given is rarely worth having.

Another aspect of the support collection/mandatory support system that I find disturbing is that it has become quite the cash cow for the State. The State regularly engages in fraud and coercion to take money from men, including for children that it has been proved are not even biologically theirs. The State makes money by forcing people to run their money through their system – they get a cut of the monies collected, they also get interest, the fees attached to the new debit-style cards that those receiving support are issued to get the money out of the system with, income is generated through the court system and those that feed off of it, etc. and so on. And, let’s not forget the bureaucrats and administrators within the system, their well paying jobs, good benefits and retirement packages.

In terms of the “otherwise” type of support… well, I figure that if the fathers weren’t good enough to be with, then their ‘otherwise’ types of support would be substandard and probably do more harm than good in the end. After all, as I see them now, they certainly aren’t the types of men that I really want to father my children.

Far better for me and my children to be responsible for ourselves than to be involved with individuals and systems that are simply no good.

Welcome To Single Parenting Information

My name is Sharon Secor, and I am a single parent. I have four children, 3 of which are completely my own, meaning no support or assistance – financial or otherwise – from the two biological contributors that gifted me my three lovely younger children. The State doesn’t support them, either, so your tax dollars are not funding my child choices. I am a freelance writer, working from home, and I am also a homeschooling mother.

My sister, Melinda Secor, also a single parent, freelance writer and homeschooling mother, and I have partnered up to create this blog, in which we hope to provide useful information, practical resources, and interesting discussion as we explore the variety of issues related to single parenting.